What are boundaries?

Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and ensuring personal well-being. There are different types of boundary expressions that can be categorized into three types: porous boundaries, these are where individuals struggle to maintain their own limits and often feel overwhelmed by others’ needs; rigid boundaries, are inflexible rules a person has established that can lead to isolation as people are overly protective of themselves and unwilling to engage with others; and healthy boundaries, are the optimal and are a balance between porous and rigid boundaries. Healthy boundaries allow individuals to express their needs while remaining open to connections. The score from your quiz is described in more detail below:

Porous Boundaries (Score 15-24)

You might have trouble saying no and often put others’ needs above your own. This can make it hard to take care of yourself. People with porous boundaries have a hard time saying “no” to others. They might be too willing to take on all the responsibilities in a relationship or overshare with strangers. Although there is a sense that this is a noble way of being, saying yes to others, self-sacrifice, the intentions are not altogether selfless.

The person with porous boundaries has a hard time saying no because they want to be perceived as nice, or be liked by others. They are usually conflict avoidant to the detriment of themselves and their relationships, resulting in secretly held resentment and passive aggressive behaviors. This has an impact on the person’s view of others and themselves and can affect their self-image and self-worth. People with porous boundaries may have low self-esteem and often talk or think negatively of themselves.

Healthy Boundaries (Score 25-31)

You know how to set limits in a respectful way. You can say no when needed, while still being kind and keeping good relationships. People with healthy boundaries do not shy away from conflict, they seek to have conversations to try to resolve issues in relationships, especially those relationships they care about. They do not have a problem setting boundaries with strangers, friends or family and people who know them are not confused about their limits.

A person with healthy boundaries is very selective about who they let in and keep out of their lives. They can say “no” when they want to, but they’re also comfortable with intimacy and close relationships. They value their own opinions and often have strong convictions. They are welcoming to others but are clear on their principles. They value the opinions of others and are open to respectful debate, even when their views may differ. 

A person with healthy boundaries will seek cohesiveness and mediation when possible, but are not averse to ending relationships that are not authentic or fruitful because of the other person’s lack of self-awareness or genuine interaction. They value relationships but know where each relationship falls on the “circle of friendships”. Healthy boundaries are a balance between rigid and porous boundaries, allowing for flexibility while keeping people safe. 

Rigid Boundaries (Score 32-45)

You have a difficult time seeing another person’s perspective and may put your views and opinions above someone else’s. People with rigid boundaries are inflexible in their thinking. There is black and white with no middle ground. While it may seem that they have healthy boundaries, they are unbending and will often exert their will and desires above the other person which creates chaos for them and others.

For example, a task must be done a “certain way” a person must engage in a “certain way”, others must believe what they believe is right. They may keep others at a distance and have a hard time letting people into their lives. They let perceived offenses drive them away from relationships, no matter how minor, even if the offender apologizes and tries to work things out. This should not be confused with ending a relationship that is no longer healthy, a person with rigid boundaries will end a relationship because of one offense, no matter how minor. This behavior protects them, but it also prevents them from having close relationships.

Usually those with rigid boundaries have learned to do so out of hurt or trauma. They can be perfectionistic and rigid in other areas as well, not allowing for people’s views or opinions, and labeling those people wrong, ignorant, or they will not relate to people with differing views. Rigid boundaries can have a toll on a person’s social connectedness and well-being and affect emotional and mental health.

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Learn about the factors that influence boundary setting here. If you would like to take the quiz click here. If you’re interested in learning healthy boundaries call or text 218.270.8020 to set an appointment with a therapist and learn the skills to set boundaries.